Soaring Towards An Empowered New You
We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same. — Carlos Castaneda
This is what really came home to me during this pandemic lockdown. Cloistered at home, buried under incessant housework, fears regarding Covid and multiple constraints and a myriad irritants; I found myself become increasingly introspective. To be honest — also deeply depressed — agitated almost. A sort of rage long repressed seemed to explode within me and at me. Shame too, long suppressed under my false bravado, broke free and demanded I admit it.
Why was this happening now and with such intensity? Was it just a normal reaction to all the new stress and prolonged solitude? Or was it something far more significant emerging to propel me to confront myself and to change at last for the better…stronger…higher version of me that I had so longed to be for forty long years? Whatever it was, it absolutely coerced me to confront the trajectory of my life and accept and admit all that it was and is.
Mine is not a sad story of a single mother having to raise kids or about financial woes. Far from it. To give you some background, my husband and I have two lovely daughters both young women now on the threshold of their lives. My husband is a successful finance professional. I have been for some years a senior school teacher. However, for the most part of my life I have been a homemaker.
So what is my story about? It is simply about Me. It’s about my feelings at age sixty — the intense pain and regret I feel at not having made myself and my aspirations a priority. Rearing children, being there for them, building a home, relationships all have their place. But what stopped me from pursuing a career in some form or the other? Why did I not follow my dream of being a writer consistently? Why did I not strive for economic independence? The questions now stab sharply, incessantly, and have disturbed me deeply. I feel unworthy and unfulfilled especially at this stage of my life. And more so when I see other women my age living their calling or passion. It is not envy, but a deep sense of loss.
Have I not felt this way earlier? Sure I have. For almost all of my life there has been a feeling of inferiority…Of not being capable or good enough. And a gnawing void as if I am incomplete somehow. Then why did I continue in this self-destructive manner of inaction and apathy? The answer that I am admitting today may sound ridiculous but it is the truth. I am articulating it so that no one else falls prey to it. It is the demon of Self-sabotage and a too sensitive ego that won’t let you advance towards your goals for fear of failure — in my case it was writing.
I must admit too that there had been no obstruction from anyone or anything. The brakes had been purely from myself. I just didn’t feel I was good enough or wrote decently enough. The words of Ram Dass — Your problem is you’re …too busy holding onto your unworthiness — fitted me perfectly. And that is exactly what I did — hid my lack of confidence in myself behind an innumerable amount of domestic duties and responsibilities. I even convinced myself I had no time to devote to my writing and saw to it that I kept busy with all kinds of activities — anything that I could feel good or moral about. Whenever I came across an opportunity to send a poem or an article to a magazine, I would procrastinate to write it. Or worse, I would somehow miss the deadline. And of course I always found a string of plausible excuses!
Sadly, not pursuing my passion did not make me a happy person. Emotionally and Intellectually I felt dissatisfied because I could not be the vibrant, successful person I so longed to be and could have been, if only I had tried. Naturally, my family and dear ones suffered. How correctly Maya Angelou has described this: One must learn to care for oneself first, so that one can then dare to care for someone else. That’s what it takes to make the caged bird sing.
This pandemic has brought me face to face in the fiercest way possible with some harsh truths about myself. But it has also gifted me the courage to kick them out of my life forever. Honestly evaluating my talents, committing to learning new skills commensurate with the modern digital age, I am resolute now to start a new, glorious chapter in my life.
Nobody breaks you. You shatter when you let yourself fall to pieces in your own sight. Only you can rise. Rejoin. Revive your unique self-worth. It is never too late to start anew. All it needs is a renewed belief in the power that is You.
………………
Kanchan Aneja
